Things I’m Afraid to Tell You

via creature comforts

I’ve been lectured by strangers, been accused of being a broken woman, and been told I’ll never understand what true love is, all because of a decision my husband and I made after many (many) discussions. And while our family and friends already know (and for the most part accept our decision even if they don’t all fully understand,) it still never fails to surprise me how harsh we’re usually treated whenever someone new hears it. So when Ez sent me an email about a blog concept entitled “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You*,” I knew exactly what I wanted to write about.

I just wasn’t sure I had the courage to actually share it with you all because I wasn’t sure how you’d would react.

You see, my husband and I made the decision not to have children. (And for all curious, yes we discussed this before marriage.)

I know we are not the only couple who has ever made this decision (I actually have friends and family members who have made the same one) but it seemed any time we’d tell someone, we were looked at like some kind of freaks. People didn’t understand why we’d choose that and many seemed really angry with us. They assumed that our decision meant we hated kids, that we didn’t think other people should have kids, or that we wouldn’t be happy for them if/when they had children of their own-all of which are completely untrue. (We’re actually really excited to throw showers and then spoil the crap out of our nieces or nephews- whether they are blood related or simply linked by love.)

And despite being completely secure in our decision, it’s still hard to have a stranger (or someone close to you) say that you and your husband are making a huge mistake, that we’ll change our minds (which side note, pretty much means that you don’t think the person is capable of making decisions or that you’ll gloat if they ever did change their minds) or interrogate us like we’d broken some kind of unwritten law.

But looking back, I’m actually really grateful for having experienced it (and I guess, continuing to experience it.) It’s made me a stronger and more secure person, it’s further strengthened my marriage, and it’s taught me that not everyone will like what you do, who you are, or what you stand for, but that in the end you still have to be true to yourself. Which is exactly why I decided to share this with you all. Because whether you’ve been in my exact situation or just in a situation where you maybe felt attacked, judged or alone for following your heart, I wanted you to know you’re not alone in the feeling. We’ve all been there to some extent.

Thanks for letting me share you guys and don’t forget to go check out what everyone else wrote about too.

*The concept of “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You” was inspired by this Jess LC’s post, and you can read more about the it on Ez’s blog after 1pm EST today, but the basic idea is to show a more realistic look into our lives- instead of the perfected versions that are often portrayed on the internet. The lives where our laundry isn’t always folded and color coordinated, dinners aren’t always spectacular and styled, and where we’re met with real situations that aren’t all rainbows and glitter.)

68 Responses to “Things I’m Afraid to Tell You”

  1. estelle May 3, 2012 at 11:01 am #

    I’m so proud of you for sharing this. I didn’t know this about you (not that it matters) but our society can be so critical of adults who make informed and thoughtful decisions about their lives and their bodies. It continues to blow my mind. Well done with your brave self, lady!

  2. Emily May 3, 2012 at 11:04 am #

    Kudos to you for writing this! I’ve recently thought about not having kids, though I think it’s more because I keep setting deadlines for myself (by this age, I’ll start having kids…) but then “this age” comes and I’m nowhere near ready!

    And I know all those nieces and nephews will be so lucky to have you in their lives! (and I really love that phrase “linked by love!”)

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:32 pm #

      Thanks so much, Emily! I actually had a similar conversation with a friend a few days ago! She’d set “deadlines” and when the age finally rolled around she realized she wasn’t ready and just needed to play it by ear, which sometimes is all you need to do.

  3. paige :: approaching joy May 3, 2012 at 11:31 am #

    I think you and Ez have it right: it is hard to show “real” to the blog world.
    And Estelle was correct in calling you brave- Anything that makes your stomach cringe at the thought telling requires strength. Thanks for everyone (but most of all myself) to be genuine.

  4. j. May 3, 2012 at 11:32 am #

    Hi there. Great post. I’ve been going through something similar in that I don’t know if I want to have children. The most difficult part is trying to talk about this with friends and family and being looked at like I’m a crazy person. Like, the matter isn’t even up for discussion. Thanks for sharing!

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:04 pm #

      You definitely get some strange looks, don’t you? I hope my story helps (if nothing else than to let you know we’re getting the looks too!)

  5. Brandon May 3, 2012 at 12:55 pm #

    Courtney, as I’ve already told Ez and Erin, I LOVE this movement! How courageous and perfectly liberating!

    Let me apologize in advance for my lengthy response…

    I’m moved to comment here because my husband and I also chose not to have children. My situation is different form yours. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage. They were 10 and 14 when we met and they don’t live with us (nor have they ever). I was 34 years old at the time of my marriage; my husband was 42. Time was really not on our side and he really didn’t want to go back to having babies (like you, we also discussed this before getting married). This was a very rough decision for me to make. It is not a decision that came quickly or easily and one that we did not take lightly.

    I am the only one of my many girlfriends who does not have children, and I have to tell you that I struggled for a very long time against feelings of inadequacy and a very strong sense of being judged, harshly, by the world at large. It’s as though a woman’s entire worth is wrapped up in motherhood. What use is there for my life, if not to raise a child?

    I applaud your courage in sharing something so deeply personal here in the most public of spaces. I know firsthand what a difficult issue this can be and if it is any encouragement at all, it has definitely gotten easier over time. All of your “nieces and nephews” are incredibly lucky to have so much attention from a loving and generous Aunt and Uncle. Man, they must get the best gifts! Lucky little buggers.

    Thanks again for sharing. Big hugs, B

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:29 pm #

      Thanks for sharing, Brandon. It took a lot of courage to share your story as well and I’m touched you did. I’ve also felt like I’m being judged and made to feel that “I’m not a woman” if I don’t have children and you’re right that it makes you feel inadequate. I’m so happy to hear it gets easier! As for the nieces and nephews, we don’t have the yet, but once we do I can guarantee they are going to be incredibly spoiled. (And I may have to play a joke or two on their parents by sending home things that light up and make noise haha)

  6. erin May 3, 2012 at 1:12 pm #

    For years, my sister told my parents she didn’t want kids and they couldn’t hear her. They were hurt and in disbelief and just refused to acknowledge her feelings. It’s brave to make this choice, and to write about it. Thanks for sharing. Love this series- I’m reading such thoughtful posts everywhere today.

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:19 pm #

      Thanks, Erin! I hope things have gotten a little better for your sister- it’s definitely a tough choice to make and then stand behind. (And isn’t the series great? I’m so happy Ez was inspired by Jess!)

  7. Melissa de la Fuente May 3, 2012 at 1:18 pm #

    Me too, I am proud of you too. I always admire folks who make a decision to do something they know in their hearts to be right for THEM but, is not the popular thing to do. It takes guts and determination. I applaud that. And I would never judge you for that. You are so right, though. In some way, shape or form….most of us have to make choices that may not be understood by others or is constantly second guessed by others. Sticking to your guns and trusting yourself is hard. Good for you and your bravery my friend.
    xoxo
    Melis
    ps HUGE awkward hug for you hunnie! :)

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:15 pm #

      Awe, thanks Melis! I really appreciate that. (and I’m sending a huge awkward hug right back at you!!)

  8. Casey May 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Good for you! It’s really no one else’s business what you decide and I hate that people can be so judging (and flat-out rude!) when it comes to such a personal decision. Thanks for sharing.

  9. Anika May 3, 2012 at 1:19 pm #

    Thank you for this post. Me and my boyfriend have also decided never to have children. We’re planning to get married. We do like kids. We don’t want to have any of our own. Even though we’re sure in our decision and even though for the most part I really don’t care what other people think, it’s still difficult, just like you say. It can feel lonely when nobody seems to understand.

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:12 pm #

      Thanks for sharing, Anika, I wish you luck! Hopefully knowing you aren’t alone helps.

  10. hannah singer May 3, 2012 at 1:49 pm #

    bold post, so glad you hit publish. it’s so encouraging to me to see others sharing their heart. thank you!

  11. Aimee May 3, 2012 at 4:01 pm #

    Thanks for putting this out there! I do wish that everyone would stop judging people for making different choices than they did, and just learn to love instead.

  12. erika May 3, 2012 at 5:27 pm #

    i admire you for putting this out there! i had made the decision not to have children a while ago and it is something that has been met with resistance since the beginning. luckily, i’m in a relationship where my partner is on the same page with me but it is exhausting to listen to everyone’s comments about the decision. i’ve gotten the “you’ll change your mind” comment more times than i can count and it’s wildly frustrating to feel patronized like that.

    i give you a ton of credit for talking about this, as i was too scared to speak my mind about it on my own blog. good work!

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 5:59 pm #

      It’s incredibly exhausting isn’t it? Sorry you’ve had to hear it as well, but I really do believe it makes you stronger. Thanks so much for the support!

  13. Jenny May 3, 2012 at 5:34 pm #

    Totally understand and so glad you shared. I know quite a few couples that have made this same decision (one of my best friends and her husband decided not to have kids). Trust me when it comes to kids everyone has an opinion and they aren’t afraid to say some really horrible/hurtful things. My husband and I decided to just have one child (who is now 3). Well I’ve had people tell me that she’ll be emotionally damaged, socially inept, etc because she’s an only child. Oh and lets not forget the time someone said “you just have one kid you arent a real parent”. What? I’m always amazed that people can’t just be quiet and respect your decisions. Every situation is different and families come in all shapes and sizes. And you are right it makes you stronger!

    • courtney May 3, 2012 at 6:10 pm #

      So you aren’t a “real” parent if you’ve only had one child? That is so completely ridiculous! I can’t believe someone told you that. What a mean (and untrue) thing to say. I bet your daughter is absolutely amazing and loves getting one on one time with her parents. Sometimes… I can’t believe what people think is okay to say to someone. Thanks so much for your comment, Jenny! (And good luck dealing with the mean ones.)

    • Aimee May 3, 2012 at 7:33 pm #

      As an only child I find that totally insulting! ;)

  14. Beth May 3, 2012 at 8:06 pm #

    Thank you for sharing, Courtney! We actually have two good friends who also made that decision, and you know what? I think it’s even more courageous to do that than to make the decision to have children. Hats off to you two for having that kind of honesty with yourselves and standing by it. :)

  15. melissa May 3, 2012 at 11:09 pm #

    i’m so happy we had this discussion at alt. you know my thoughts on it, and how incredibly disgusted i become when people meddle and judge. seriously, i believe if everyone minded their own lives without worrying about others then the world would be a happier place. you and jordan are awesome. together. as a party of two. i say why mess up a good thing.

    and as for those who never planned to have a child (raising hand here) and then our party of two is now three, well, we get the whole only child guilt constantly. ugh.

    misery loves company is what i say.

    loved your vm. i miss you.

    • courtney May 4, 2012 at 7:11 am #

      Thanks for this, Mel.

      And I completely agree. While I can’t say I’ve never judge others myself, I try to remember that if it doesn’t hurt anyone then it’s absolutely none of my business.

      Glad you enjoyed the voicemail. I swear, I’m the queen of rambling. Miss you too!

  16. tiffany of camp1899 May 4, 2012 at 10:28 am #

    hello! just wanted to introduce myself, i’m a southern girl too, just recently living outside of it for the first time in colorado.. love georgia! and my husband and i also aren’t having kiddos, i’ve known since i was tee tiny and he was on board 100%, loved your post! first time on your blog, have to peek around a little (;
    xo, t.

    • courtney May 4, 2012 at 11:50 am #

      Glad you enjoyed it! Small world too. My husband and I are actually moving to Denver in 2 weeks! How do you like Colorado?

  17. Kami May 5, 2012 at 4:10 pm #

    Wow! I am so glad I came across your blog! I recently (a few years ago actually) came across similar harsh reactions to a decision my husband and I made too- to save our marriage. We had started off horribly and separated quickly but took the next three years to get counseling and get back together. I have ONE friend left from the beginning. Thank you for being so honest about your experiences- I remember how hard it was being drilled by EVERYONE about my decisions. I think your decision not to have children is wonderful- you are no less a family and I think people should really take more time before deciding to have children – thank you for re-inspiring me to stick to my guns :)

    • courtney May 6, 2012 at 2:36 pm #

      Thank you for being so open as well, Kami! I’m so happy my story helped re-inspire you.

  18. Haylee May 5, 2012 at 8:27 pm #

    Oh my gosh this is the story of my life. I’m only 18 so haven’t had to deal with the backlash of telling people yet but I just know that it will happen. I come from a Mormon family and having kids is a commandment in our church, so it’s kind of seen as not an option according to my mom and everyone around me. And while I haven’t made up my mind 100% yet, I’m pretty sure I don’t want kids.. so I know a lot of fighting and arguments are inevitably going to happen in the future about it.
    Wow sorry, I completely just rambled on about myself, but I just wanted you to know that I can relate and that I don’t think ANY differently of you because of it.

    • courtney May 6, 2012 at 2:33 pm #

      Thank you so much for commenting, Haylee! (And no worries about rambling- I do it all the time.) Whatever decision you make, good luck! All you can do is follow your heart and hope for the best.

  19. Rhianne May 8, 2012 at 1:50 am #

    I love this post – I don’t want children (or to get married either actually, and I’ve been with my boyfriend for 10 years now) and I think people are incredibly judgemental of this…

    However, what I think they don’t realise is that it actually takes more thought and consideration of your own future and your potential childrens future to decide not to have them or even not to get married. Having a child is a massive decision – its scary as hell and frankly, the world is a tough and sometimes scary place, I can barely afford to look after myself most of the time, let alone a child. If I did ever think of having children, I would want to do it properly and well but right now, I don’t feel like I could do that.

    I have massive respect for anyone that truly considers their actions before doing it and so thank you for sharing this.

  20. Jenn Hanson May 9, 2012 at 7:05 pm #

    Courtney,

    Thank you so much for sharing your heart. It is such a reminder that we all have different roads that we are to walk down. And that only you and your husband know whats best for your family. If we all could just remember this daily. My husband and I don’t have kids and we have had people say things like “you need to be a family”. It has always shocked me and made me think, “we are a family, even if it ends up just being the two of us.”
    Anywho, I briefly met you at alt this year, but I just wanted to say that I really liked this post.
    Have a great day!

    • courtney May 15, 2012 at 2:21 pm #

      Thanks, Jenn! I really appreciate that. We’ve gotten the same “but don’t you want a family/you need to be a family” comment and it surprises me every time as well. (and hi! It’s great to hear from you again)

  21. Katie May 15, 2012 at 3:27 pm #

    Courtney,
    I just read this and agree that it takes a lot of guts to post this for everyone to see! My situation is a bit different- I have a heart/lung condition that makes having kids a bad idea. I was 30 when I was diagnosed. My boyfriend didn’t bat an eye and we got married. I do get the funniest comments- mostly from older people. They tell me I’ll love them when I have them. It doesn’t matter that I tell them that having kids will KILL me… I should just go ahead and do it anyway :-P I am now almost 35 and am SO happy we don’t have kids. True, it’s a bit easier with friends and family b/c we blame it on the medical reason, but I never really wanted kids anyway.
    It really helps to live in an area that eschews the traditional family model. I think you’ll love Denver. I live in San Diego and there are so many people without kids that we fit right in :-) Best of luck to you and thank you for bravely posting this!

    • courtney May 18, 2012 at 6:44 am #

      Thanks for sharing, Katie. That is funny that you’re told “just to have them anyway!” (Side note, I’ve never been to San Diego, but I hear it is awesome. Maybe one day we’ll make it out there!)

  22. Anna May 18, 2012 at 2:18 am #

    I am totally feeling this post.

    Like Rhianne, I have been with my boyfriend for a total of 10 years. I met him when we were 17. We’re not married yet, and it’s ridiculous how people are running around like chickens with their head cut off yelling that we should put rings on it. On top of this, they do not seem to understand the concept of that we are not interested in further procreating. When I was 20, my birthdaughter came into this world. Don’t get me wrong, I love her but I am not cut out to be a parent. I have a form of autism (asperger’s) and he is bipolar. We do not have good genes and I read about a study a while back about there being a very high instance of even if one parent is even mild autism/asperger’s and one parent being even mildly bipolar, the chances are very high to have a severely autistic child. And our birthdaughter is, fullblown nonverbal autistic. I got lucky to have a stellar adoptive family for this child, but my inkling is that my chances a second go-round are slim-to-none, it would further crush my heart to do it again on top of that, and it would also be irresponsible to bring another person with my craptastic genetics to earth. God forbid if one day Daniel dies, this is exactly why I want congress out of my uterus, so I don’t have to convince anyone that I have to be married, a billion years old and with a hoard of children to get my tubes tied. (funny factoid tidbit: I’ve known since the age of 21 that I wanted it this way– and I’m 28 now and my mind still hasn’t “magically changed”, just like my body hasn’t magically “changed its mind” about being autistic)

    I totally feel what you mean by the stellar aunt/uncle comment. I also have 2 nieces and 2 nephews. It’s not that I hate children– quite the contrary (I do shower them in love). But after x amount of hours around these kids, (usually 2-4 hours), whether I want it to or not, my autistic brain automatically checks out, and these children eventually go home, to where they are raised by other, more able/willing patrons of society.

    Sometimes I notice people just assume things about my perceived “abilities” just on my appearance. And that’s annoying. Unless you hang around long enough to pick up on my idiosyncrasies, you might not notice the autistic traits right away until they become a problem. It’s not like I have the obvious “spectrum” appearance– What exactly is the external appearance of autism anyway? Does it have poofy hair and special shoes? Does it have a funny gait, old jeans and a striped shirt? You know what I mean?

    Aside from my ASD issues, that doesn’t address those like you, and my younger sister (who is NT) who know for a fact they just don’t want to have kids, and have known that fact forever. What is this country coming to, where people don’t have faith in other people to make the right decisions for THEMSELVES? Or have we entered into a whole new level of conservative control freakdom? It makes me mad beyond words.

    • courtney May 18, 2012 at 6:41 am #

      Thank you so much for sharing this, Anna. That’s very brave of you to share! (And I completely agree on the whole “what does autism really look like?” point.) I really admire your ability to know what is best for you and wish you both the absolute best.

  23. Kath May 29, 2012 at 5:31 pm #

    Thanks for sharing! I have been struggling with this issue for years now, but I have not told anyone…I can’t, I’m not strong enough right now. I am also a Christian, and from what I have read online, Christian couples who decide to not have kids have a real hard time, and a lot leave their church. I can see that happening to me as well. I am terrified to talk to anyone, for the judgement I will face. My family keep asking me to “give them cousins” etc, and I just keep saying “soon”. The reasons I don’t want kids are too painful, and I can’t bear to tell my family the true reasons, if I tell them at all. I grip onto stories like these to help me see it might not be so bad… Thanks everyone for sharing. I wish I had the guts.

    • courtney June 3, 2012 at 8:10 pm #

      thanks for sharing as well! Best of luck when you decide to share the news.

  24. Elizabeth November 7, 2012 at 12:42 pm #

    I just recently found your blog – and I really feel like I need to comment on this post. This is the same decision that we made too! It is so great to read this and see that other people make this decision also and we aren’t the only ones! And I think you said it so well – I can’t wait to have nieces and nephews (blood and love related) that I can spoil like crazy, but that doesn’t mean that we want any ourselves. I think that being from the south makes it especially hard to explain to family that we don’t want to have kids. (we also don’t want to get married – that is a completely different can of worms that brings about similar responses from people) I think that the relationship with a significant other is a very personal one and the decisions that are made as a couple should be respected by friends and family. I really appreciated this post because, while I harbor no doubt about our decisions, it is really nice to know that there are people out there that have made similar decisions (for whatever reason) and we are not alone.

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